My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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