I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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