I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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