In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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