Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
