I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
