Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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