i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
