Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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