You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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