He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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