it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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