As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
