My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Im part way to drunk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
