My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
