my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
