Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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