Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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