Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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