mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
