I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
