My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
