I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
