You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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