and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
So. Much. Porn.
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