Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
