I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
