I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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