the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
