Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
