It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
