Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
