There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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