I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
