I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You need a sexual gate keeper
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
