I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
