i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
