Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
