Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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