hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize