Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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