i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
