i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Is Oprah even human
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
