I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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