Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
