can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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