apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
