Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
