he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
