'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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