a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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