pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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