at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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